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Readers, I have something to confess. It might change the way you see me, but I feel like it’s time you know:

I don’t like cold sandwiches.

This is one of my darkest secrets. It might also be the most interesting thing about me. Whenever I reveal my cold sandwich aversion to someone, it triggers more follow-up questions than any other aspect of my personal life – including my time as part of a volunteer corps, my advanced degree and the one blind cat I fostered who got a fresh Tilapia fillet for breakfast every day. I don’t blame people for being curious. I have a reputation as an adventurous eater. The reveal that I’ve been avoiding this one huge category of food for my entire life takes some getting used to.

A couple years ago, it came up on a long road trip I took with Christa – a friend since high school. Christa suggested lunch at Jimmy John’s. “I’m actually not a huge fan of cold sandwiches,” I said as casually as I could. We easily decided on a different place for lunch and moved on to a different topic. But over the course of the next nine hours in the car, the cold sandwich thing kept coming up. “This is really bothering you, isn’t it?” I asked after Christa brought it up for the fourth time. “No, it’s fine,” she said, “it’s just that now I have to interrogate every aspect of our 15-year friendship while I try to remember if I ever fed you a cold sandwich.”

Before we move on, here are some answers to the most frequently asked questions: Yes, it’s just cold sandwiches. I’m very into paninis and grilled cheeses. Yes, I enjoy cold meat, cheese and bread when they’re separate from one another. It’s just something about the three of them together that I find hard to stomach. So no, when I ate the charcuterie at your last party, it was not just to be polite. I think we can both agree there was nothing polite about the amount of salami I consumed. Yes, there are exceptions. I enjoy tuna, egg and chicken salad sandwiches – which, ironically, seem socially acceptable for other people to dislike. No, I don’t know why I’m like this. To my knowledge, there was no traumatic incident where a bologna sandwich read my diary out loud to all my middle-school friends or anything. It seems like I was just born this way.

I don’t know what this tastebud defect says about me. Hopefully nothing. But it’s caused enough people to question my character that I do wonder: What if there is some link between taste aversions and the very core of the self? I’ve read plenty of listicles that use even less specific information to make sweeping judgements about people’s personalities. According to Bustle, because my favorite color is green, I am money-motivated. Business Insider clocked me as insecure because of the low cross on my handwritten t’s. And on Buzzfeed, I just clicked on a bunch of stock photos of furniture and I was told my aura is definitely “pink.”

I think it’s time for me to jump to some of my own wild conclusions based on the foods you don’t like. And, I think it’s time for Sprinkle Fix to get in on the listicle fun. Full disclosure: None of the following has anything to do with science – hard, observational or pesudo. Also, I haven’t spent any meaningful time with anyone else in about 11 weeks, and it’s possible that I don’t remember how actual humans behave. So I might not even be writing convincing fiction.

But aside from that, I’m sure you’ll find these observations scarily accurate! Read on to find out what your least favorite food says about you.

Cold sandwiches

You are a 30-something Midwesterner with brown hair and a closet full of cocktail dresses, even though you have yet to be invited to one cocktail party. You drive a Toyota Corolla, and it takes you an average of 4.5 attempts to parallel park every time. You are too high-strung for most board games. Also, your name is Caitlin and you are me because apparently nobody else hates cold sandwiches.

Mushrooms

You are principled but compassionate. You take comfort in knowing that plenty of other right-minded, respectable people share your mushroom hate. So, you are not just an individual who dislikes mushrooms. You are part of a movement. You feel this justifies your belief that there is objectively no reason why anyone should eat this forest fungus.

And yet, sometimes you wonder what you’re missing. You always understand, intellectually, that a lot of people sincerely enjoy mushrooms. But in the quiet of the night, you find yourself lying awake and thinking about their families, their hobbies – their hopes and dreams. You try to imagine what they see in truffle popcorn that you do not. You think about asking one of them to serve you a mushroom dish that will help you to understand their perspective. But then you remember that, if you did that, you would have to eat mushrooms.

Famous mushroom haters (probably): Lisa Simpson, Elizabeth Warren, Atticus Finch, Rin Tin Tin

Cilantro

Like mushroom haters, you like being part of a wider community of cilantro haters. However, rather than being driven by your ideals, you are driven by science. You remember the first article you read about “that one gene that makes cilantro taste like soap.” It made you feel validated and truly seen. Sometimes naming something gives you power over it. So it comforts you to know that you’re not picky – You have “That Cilantro Soap Gene.”*

Famous cilantro haters (probably): Rupert Giles, Spock, Gabriella Montez, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

*Official title TM-ed by Science

Dessert

To be a dessert hater, you have to have strong convictions. Not only are you in the minority, but you have to put up with jerks like me who – frankly – do not believe you. You are my friend. I care about you and trust you to tell me the truth. However, I will constantly attempt to undermine you in this matter. I don’t believe there is such a thing as “not liking dessert,” and it is my mission to prove it. Mark my words: One day, I will feed you a cookie so delicious that you can’t help but take seconds.

Famous dessert haters (probably): Ke$ha, Edgar Allen Poe, Rosa Diaz, Oscar the Grouch

Soup

You are a true individual. Literally – you are a specific individual person that I went to high school with. We were not friends, but we once sat next to each other at a meal before a choir function. When the first course was served, you revealed that you categorically hated soup. I said, “but there are so many different kinds of soup! How can you hate all of them?” You replied that you found them too wet and salty. I was baffled, but I think I just wasn’t ready to admit how much we had in common. After all, soup and cold sandwiches are often served together.

I think about you more often than some people whose weddings I’ve attended. Wherever you are, I hope you’re still doing you.

Sugary cocktails

To be honest, I don’t know that much about you because you are way cooler than me. Seriously, what’s it like to be you? I’m assuming that when you step up to the bar, you ask for a whiskey, neat – because ice is for nerds – and you and the bartender give each other knowing, cool person nods. You may see me next to you, sipping from my cherry mango razzletini and giving you some side eye, but you know it’s just because I’m jealous. When you’re done drinking your whiskey, you throw on your studded leather jacket and ride your Harley Davidson into the night. (It’s possible that I learned everything I know about being cool from Happy Days and/or Uncle Jesse from Full House.) Am I close?

Famous sugary cocktail haters (probably): The Fonz, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Idris Elba, Batman

Food surprises

You know what you like and what you really don’t. Unfortunately, people have broken your trust before. Like, hypothetically – maybe you have a sister who went off to Chicago. And now she has a blog called Sprinkle Fix, and she thinks she’s too cool for normal food. Every time she cooks, you know she’s going to put some kind of trendy twist on your meal. Maybe there will be cranberries in your cinnamon rolls. Maybe there will be Chili powder in the chocolate cupcakes. You are at least 60 percent sure she plays rosemary roulette with everything just to keep you on your toes. And it’s working. You’re nimble, alert, and ready for anything.

Famous people who don’t like food surprises (probably): Ron Swanson, Mr. Miagi, Bert (of Bert and Ernie fame), Taylor Swift

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So, did I nail it or did I nail it? Sorry if you felt a little too known – I just call these things like I mostly make them up. Except for the thing about the kid who didn’t like soup. He was 100% real.

Also, I am serious about not liking cold sandwiches. But hot sandwiches – especially breakfast sandwiches – are a different story. If you’re interested in waking up to something reliably warm and carby on these increasingly uncertain mornings, head to the next page.