Ballad of a Black Thumb

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I’ve always wanted to want to garden. When I was little, one of my favorite songs was the “Garden Song.” I think I first heard it on a children’s tape, but the most popular version was recorded by John Denver. The first lines are, “Inch by inch, row by row, gonna make this garden grow. All you need is a rake and a hoe and a piece of fertile ground.” The song – considered a “folk standard” – was written by David Mallet. Apparently, it came to him one day in his 20’s as he worked in his father’s garden. He describes the tune dropping into his head with the same sort of ease that fruits and flowers spring from the ground in the lyrics. As a ten-year-old, I ranked it somewhere between “At the Ballet” from Chorus Line and “Hands” by Jewel as one of the most beautiful songs ever written.

Unfortunately, it is also full of lies.

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Life on Ice

Or: How to organize your freezer the Sprinkle Fix way

Jump to recipe for black bean and chorizo taquitos

One of quarantine’s hottest trends – along with fostering dogs, baking bread and depicting the likeness of Joe Exotic out of dried beans and macaroni – is organizing. People are using this overabundance of inside-time to optimize their entire living spaces – but of course, I’m especially interested in the kitchens. Some of my favorite food authorities have recently written about how they stock and organize their pantries and fridges. They usually say at the top that they’re doing it because they’ve gotten lots of requests from readers who want to look inside their cupboards. Which makes sense. We’re all spending more time in our kitchens and taking fewer trips to the grocery store. So, we want ideas about how to store food more efficiently. I’m not sure these pantry show-and-tell posts can help though. They are full rainbows of legumes in Weck Jars; fully alphabetized spice racks; freezers packed with Tetris-like precision. They look like all the other stuff these food celebrities post – completely beautiful, and completely unattainable for normal people.

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The Frittata Mystique

Hot take: The internet is full of opportunities for you to compare yourself to others and come up short. Especially if you are a woman. If you’re a mom, your Facebook feed is probably full of quotes from your friends’ angel-faced children like, “I love mommy so much! When I grow up, I want to be a doctor/lawyer/social media influencer just like her!” Meanwhile, your little angle interrupts your scrolling to tell you: “I wish I had no mommy like Princess Elsa and when I grow up, I want to be a transformer!” If you’re single, your Instagram is probably clogged with pictures of slender ring-fingers adorned with diamonds the size of Lima beans. The captions read, “I’m so lucky to be engaged to this wonderful man! Boy, I thought I was doing OK when I was single, but that was before he made me realize what a shriveled husk of a person I was! Love fixes everything!” Meanwhile, you’ve just given up on constructing your OK Cupid profile (for the third time) so that you could check Tumblr for the next chapter in a fanfic about if Pride and Prejudice was about Mulder and Scully. (Theoretically. I have heard some grown, single women do this.)

But there is another way the internet is making a lot of women feel insecure that no one is talking about. Except me. Today, I’m going to admit to something that many of us have been afraid to say out loud for too long: I’m stressed about brunch.

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